Do you constantly feel like you’re not being listened to?
Have you noticed that for most of your life you’ve had this believe. Did you believe you were invisible when you had that thought, even when you spoke? My story was that no one seemed to hear me. No one wanted to listen to me. Do you believe those things too?
“You’re not listening to me” was my internal catch cry and I’m guessing you hear this often in your own head. Especially when you’re standing in front of someone having started a conversation and they butt in, or come back with a comment that clearly shows you they haven’t been listening to you. Does you mind go into the space of, why am I here, and why am I bothering to even try to talk to this person? They don’t really want to listen to me?
When I sat with what happens for me in this situations I found this list of other beliefs sitting behind the key thought of ‘They don’t want to listen to me”.
It looks like this:
- Why am I bothering to talk to you
- You don’t really want to listen to me
- You don’t care about what I have to say
They don’t really care about you when they won’t listen
If you’re like me then these beliefs that ‘they’re not listening to me’ –> ‘they don’t want to listen to me’ –> ‘they don’t really care about me’ sends you into your downward spiral of feeling unworthy. In that moment when they’re not listening its as if your whole life, your whole value is pinned to them listening to you. And because they’re not, then in that moment you’re not worthy at all. There’s an amazing story woven around this one concept.
Do you also notice that when you are in a discussion that other person may say to you in response to something they’ve said “I’m not being listened to” or in other words “You’re not listening to me.” And do you notice exactly what you’re feeling in that same moment? My guess is, much the same thing. Funny, isn’t it.
Do you have lots of proof that clearly shows that you aren’t being listened to?
- no one acknowledges what you have said. For me an example of this would be where I would sit with my family, having a discussion and offering my input. No one would say, “Yes, Karen, I agree with you” or “Yes Karen, I hear you and that’s not my understanding.”
- They’re not on your side.’ This showed up for me whenever there was a disagreement between my brother and me, he would get his way.
- no one stood up for you. My strong proof here is that at school if there was any disagreement amongst the girls in my friend group, no one would stand up for me. No one.
- They didn’t ask for your opinion. It’s the same old story, isn’t it, no one wanted to hear what you had to say.
How to get someone to listen to you
- Be fully present in the moment with the person. In being fully present you are more open to listening and really hearing what the person has to say.
- Show them that you’ve been listening by acknowledging what they have said in some way.
- Be open to the other person hearing you and responding however they do. They may not hear what you say. They may only hear your interpretation of what you said, based on their own internal filters. It is their business how they respond. Be okay with that.
Enjoy listening to the podcast discussing this very topic.